Sold Out

I used to think I was a pretty ok christian. I grew up in church, and while I had to overcome a lot of obstacles relating to my opinions of the churchgoers and the church itself, I stuck with it for two main reasons, and here they are: I had an encounter with God when I was a child (like 6 or 7 years old) and because of that encounter and feeling like no one on this earth understood me, I always went back to Jesus with my pain and disappointments because he was (and still is) my best friend and the only one who I knew really loved me and accepted me exactly as I was.

My life is far from perfect. I have done many things that I am not proud of. I don’t admit those things to you from a place of shame or unworthiness either. I’ve just made a lot of mistakes. Maybe you can relate. I’m glad that those things are in the past now, because there were definitely times where I did feel completely ashamed of who I was and unworthy of anything good in my life.

There are those times though where I still ask God,

“Why did you let me do those things?”

“Why did you let me walk through that door?”

“Why did I have to fall so hard?”

“How can you possibly take these mistakes and work it together for my good?”

I don’t have all the answers, and He’s still making me wait before he shows me. (Did I mention that patience is not my strong suit?) I do know that God took every misdirected step, every hurdle, every mistake and to this day he’s still redeeming them. He’s still writing my story, and he’s still writing yours. He’s helping me unlearn the lies that I believed about myself and construct new truths, his truths about me. In some ways I feel like a late bloomer because it has taken me 41 years to discover His real love, but then I have to remind myself that His timing is perfect.

His timing is perfect for you too. Whatever he’s guiding you to, He will be faithful to get you there- when you finally allow Him too. He gives beauty for ashes. He works ALL THINGS together for the good of those who love Him and are called according to His purpose. He just wants you to surrender your heart, your will and your plans. Basically everything. That is totally hard for control freaks like me. But let’s be honest with ourselves, has doing it your way really brought you everything you have hoped and dreamed for?

I promise you- His ways are better. He gives freedom and a peace that you’ve never known before. I’m not saying that your roads will always be easy. Sometimes they are downright dark and full of pain, but you’ll never go through it alone.

When I made the choice to surrender, Jesus had to pull a lot of painful daggers and arrows out of my heart. Through the course of my life I adjusted my thoughts and behaviors to make the pain of those injuries easier to bear. What I’m saying is I grew comfortable with those those things that caused injury to my heart, and I even held on to them like a badge of courage. I told myself not to trust or not to believe anyone but God and myself, but He can’t heal what we’re not willing to let go of.

What’s standing in the way of your healing? No finger pointing. This isn’t about what was done to you or what you couldn’t control. This isn’t about you correcting your mistakes or trying to make things happen in your own strength. Get out of your own way. It’s time to heal so you can be all you were created to be!

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Jessica Gilliam

I'm Jessica. I'm listening. To pen the things that are being impressed on my heart to record and share. To inspire. To lend perspective. To dare others to hope. Perhaps you're on a similar journey. If so, let's run (ok, maybe power-walk) together.

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